Ever felt that all hope's lost, your future is no where can be seen? Everyone is moving ahead of you, academically, socially, EVERYTHING-ly. Because I am, right now. 


I did so badly in my exams, I don't know what I want, I feel that depression filling me up constantly, every time I look at my test papers. They were an eye-sore, but it's SUPPOSED to act as a motivation. But right now, it's just kicking my ego down the sidewalk.
What can I say? I'm a failure.


In 2 days, I'll be in FIS Hall, painted in black with charcoal, humiliating myself in front of everyone in FIS.
Not just myself, the whole IBDP probably. (Well.. there's only 9 of us)
I can't believe this is  happening, these people are expecting the miracle out of us. 
They couldn't care less about IBDP, but now they want us to humiliate ourselves?
Mr. Rama is insane. 
This play is totally unbelievable. I can't imagine how the whole class is going to pull off an impressive play in 4 days. The school is too much, why can they inform the MYPs months ago and us just 4 days ago?
They even expected us to do better than them.
How is that even relevant?


Setting the school stuff aside,
You know, I've always thought that I might not be able to talk about my messed up relationship, because it was so awful. I hated crying in front of people, and the last thing I wanted was to talk about my ex and cry about it in front of people. 
First, you'll just make it hard for people, because most people don't know how to handle crying people.
Second, it's not worth it. Since when it was worth humiliating yourself over someone that couldn't care less?


But I did, today. I was pretty close to tears, but I did. Maybe my feelings faded a little, because the stab of pain doesn't hurt that much anymore.. or maybe it's because it's stabbed so many times it's actually numb?
You ask me? I can't tell, seriously.


When someone asked me today "Are you the settler or the reacher?"
Actually, I've thought of that question myself before. I've been acting really desperate at the end of the relationship.
I tried to save it because, I don't wanna regret in the future, blaming myself saying why didn't I try harder?
Even now, when I know that he's completely forgotten me, having the time of his life with another perfect girl in his life, I didn't regret.
At least, I have no regrets, or guilt.


Reacher is better than settler, definitely. 


Come to think of it, this is what life is all about.
There's always someone taking more than giving, some people having a better life.
There's always unfair things in life, but that's what it's all about.
If everything was perfect for everyone, life would be dull.
You won't feel happiness, sadness, anger, regret, guilt, jealousy or embarrassment.
I guess I would die with regret without experiencing all these first.
That's what makes us different from each other, other than just outer appearances.


Is it me or I'm turning into tumblr?